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    AntiBucket Moody Corner

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    AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Sun Jul 24, 2016 7:30 pm

    Hello! I'm normally a happy user for all you wonderful people out there. To keep it that way, I'm going to come here and let loose all at once when the not-so-happy me comes around. I don't know why you would be reading my rants, but go ahead if you want. I may be a bit negative here, but that's so I'll be more positive on the rest of the site c:

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Sun Jul 24, 2016 7:56 pm

    Why in the world is everyone so darn demanding?! I feel like I'm being squeezed of every bit of happiness whenever I go anywhere! Sometimes, I even feel like Ican't not be happy because so many people need me to be happy. It's exhausting! Alright? Tiring, exhausting, and completely draining.

    Lately, a picture's been coming to mind whenever I think about me. It's a strange picture, considering it's not of me. It's of a vase. The vase was at one time beautiful, and obviously used on every occasion to hold bouquets or some such thing. Well, it doesn't hold anything now because it's been dropped. Hard. Thrown at the ground more like. Thrown along with other vases, and the flowers and water inside slowly leaking out. Once the vase that is me realized that nobody else was whole, I was quickly glued back together. The pieces that were the vase are all there. They all connect to one another, but the cracks were still visible, and that showed that I wasn't as whole and hearty as I was supposed to be. A quick paint job hid the cracks nicely, but they were still there under the thin layer of yellow paint. That is me. When I think of me, I think of an empty vase, sitting on a shelf, hiding its cracks behind a veneer of bright positive paint.

    And everyone wants that yellow vase, not the cracked empty one that's really there! Literally, I think I roleplay so well because I throw myself into the roles of my characters. They somehow feel more realistic than I do. Well, this is me being sad and pouty and blech! Because I feel needed elsewhere. Friend A is having relationship issues with her significant other while friend B is running through some identity/gender issues I can't relate to. Meanwhile, over here friend C is cutting and throwing herself at the nearest blizzard! But no negative thoughts!

    None.

    Whatsoever.

    Ever.

    I just want to break down and cry myself sometimes, but I've been holding in everything for so long now, I'm not sure I can anymore. Mom says I struggle with depression. Hmm. Wonder why? Oh, and I can't forget all my teachers want me to go all honors! Talk about stress! This, that, do now, YOYO time! Gotta love it! Thing is, I don't think my "depression" is large. I just have symptoms. I don't actually feel depressed or anything, just an empty vase. Signs of depression include: trouble sleeping [check], always tired [check], loss of appetite [check], loss of interest in previous hobbies [great. now I'm afraid that if I move on from reading, I'm going to be depressed. XC], uncontrollable and sudden deep dives into sadness [no. see before], and a myriad of others. Mom takes medicine for it, and sometimes I feel happier than she looks, so do I really suffer from depression? I HAVE NO IDEA! It kills me, knowing that I might be suffering from this and yet not know it. How would I be able to "seek help" if I first have to know for sure that I have depression? >.<

    It's frustrating as all getout, so I go to a world where I am definitely not depressed. A world where I'm not even me. It's wonderful, and I think that's why I like to RP so much! Smile Goodness, I rambled a bit, didn't I? Well, I definitely feel better now, so thank you all so very much for letting me get that out >^.^<

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Sun Jul 24, 2016 9:49 pm

    You're not depressed.  *pats top of head*  Those symptoms can mean a myriad of things, and might not even be related.  Depression is just something you know, so that's what you look for.  Check this out.  Makes me feel better every time.

    https://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/never-feel-useless?bffbtasty&utm_term=.br9v0GNXR#.amqL5ONGP

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Mon Jul 25, 2016 6:49 am

    Thank you, Silent. That helped a lot. I love you

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Mon Jul 25, 2016 11:06 am

    You are very welcome!  Some things you could try are finding a new hobby that gets you active.  Even if it's like going up and down the block for 5 minutes a day.  Kite flying?  Dog walking!  You could earn money with that one. Wink  Or find someone to give you a massage.  Check out for any massage schools in your area.  A lot of them have "clinics" where they offer you a discount massage from students.  There's one in my area, and I can get an hour long massage for half price, and it's pretty good!  Just don't be shy about speaking up about anything that you are either uncomfortable about or something they are doing right.  It's awesome!  For problems sleeping, make sure you maintain a sleep schedule.  Go to bed at X time and get up at X time even on weekends.  Trust me, it helps big time.  And don't eat at least an hour before bed.

    Anyway, just some things to think about.

    There's nothing wrong with being an empty vase.  It just means you have a lot of potential, and maybe you try a bunch of stuff before you find what you need to fill your vase, but getting it wrong doesn't mean failure.  Just means you've learned something. It's not like Edison got the lightbulb on the first try.  The write brothers crashed more than they flew. 

    Now I'm the one babbling.  I'm going to stop now.  Feel free to ignore this, my head hasn't been on straight lately, but I hope it helps!
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    wolfHhowling

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  wolfHhowling on Tue Aug 02, 2016 3:34 am

    Being an empty base is fine being broken is too. Japanese people when they brake something like a bowl. Will repair it with gold. Making the bowl whole again and showing that because it was broken it now that it was repaired is worth more and more buetifull for being broken. Just think of your self as the bowltjst hasn't been fixed with gold just yet. On thing silent forgot to mention, is cut down on sugary stuff and cavern three hours before bed. Also, remember take the time to take a deep breath and let go of the day. Listen to some music labeled empathy or cleansing meditation music before bed. You will feel better.

    Hugs and Hope our combined above makes you a happier bucket or vase which ever applies.


    _____________________________________________


    just subtract an hour for dark soul XD

    and now you know


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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Tue Aug 02, 2016 2:04 pm

    Thank you! Both of you. This means a lot to me ^^

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    Don't mind me

    Post  Guest on Sat Sep 17, 2016 7:57 pm

    I want to scream obscenities throughout this empty house. Only, there are a few problems. My upbringing has taught me not to do that kind of thing, and I thus do not know any words strong enough to express my exact feelings for my current situation. Secondly, I wouldn't want them to echo back at me. And third? Third, I don't have a voice. I spent it all yesterday trying to chase away the silence with song. See Mom said something along the lines of "I have to go stay over at this place 8 hours away for the entire weekend, so you two are going to have to take care of yourselves," to which my little brother immediately respondes with, "I'm not comfortable staying by myself that long." Am I not a person? Do I not have substance? Thing is--Mom didn't object or bring up that he wouldn't really be alone. No. Why don't you just go spend the entire weekend at a friend's house instead? That sounds lovely! Not to mention your big sister will have to pick you up from their house, drive both of you to music lessons and back, and then drop you back off at said friend's house. Easy! No awkwardness there! It wasn't so bad yesterday, when I had a friend come over all day to chase away the silence. But today? Today just hasn't been working for me. Two hour commute to music lessons and back, and my brother never initiates contact or starts a conversation. It was like talking to a tree--occasionally the wind would rustle back. So, I come home and mention it to my friend from the other day, and they reply with, and I quote,

    "XD"

    Am I not a whole person? Do I not count for anything to anyone outside of this computer? It's infuriating, and I almost wish they would all just go away, only...then I'd be alone for real. It reminds me of a game I used to play when I was younger. My mom would hold meetings at our house, and some of the older kids would come along. I'd play with them, but then I'd feel the need to get alone. I'd disappear into a quiet place and wait for someone to notice I was gone. Most nights ended with me crying on the roof, upset because nobody noticed I was gone--or if they noticed, they didn't care to find out where I had gone. A few times, I wandered back to the group, wondering why they hadn't followed, and they acted as if I had been there the whole time. I literally feel invisible. I can't take care of my little brother, and one of my only real life friends doesn't understand what I say.

    That hurts. It really does. How come every time I get in a relationship with a human being face-to-face, it ends with hurt? I just don't understand it. I tried, but after a while, I've sort of given up on it. Online friends are much easier. If things start to hurt, I disappear for a while. A couple months, maybe. Sometimes a year or more. When I come back, the hurt is gone and the other person doesn't contact me, so I guess it's okay. Honestly, I'd be surprised if anyone reads this. No one is on when I log in, and even if the occasional person does happen to be on at the same time, they don't say hello in the chat or post anywhere I can find. I don't know why I'm writing this. I probably won't post this one either.

    I guess writing helps me realize how silly my issues are? It's not like the world is being devoured in a zombie apocolypse or anything. I still have food, a house, a warm bed, plenty of down time, a school I can go to, neighbors I could reach out and contact if I ever so desired. Of course, the whole self protection methods start to fill in. Don't get in another hurting relationship. Don't hurt yourself again. excuse me as I find a tissue box.

    Mom doesn't understand me anymore, I don't think. She says I used to be really outgoing and friendly. Now, not so much. I hold back. If people want to be friends with me, let them. They can approach me with their proposals, but I'm not going to offer my back for any more knives hidden under jackets.

    Do any of you know those games that came out online a while ago? The Aggar.io and Slither.io games? I played them rather defensively--don't bother me and I won't bother you. Let me eat my little blips in peace.--and I always got eaten by someone else playing offensively. I realized I play life kind of like I play the .io games. I stick to myself, mind my own business, and don't initiate contact. Someone else can, but I will just eat my little blips of time all by my lonesome while surrounded by other people constantly vying for attention or friends or something to gossip about.I'm tired of things not working out, and I'm tired of being that little girl sitting on the roof.

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Wed Nov 09, 2016 2:23 pm

    Why? Why? This is dumb. Pointless. Useless. Unhelpful. Unfruitful. . . painful. She's her own person, so why does it hurt? My friend dumped her parasitic boyfriend over the one-day vacation we had recently, and we were both really happy about that. Then, today, she doesn't come to our usual spot with the usual people. She's with G. Don't get me wrong, G is a great guy, and he's really sweet and a good fit for my friend right now, but she wasn't where I expected her to be this morning before school. Lately, I get stressed out a lot, and this was just a little much. I'd finally gotten used to the bunch of kids that hang in our general spot before school, and then she goes to sit with G and a whole new set of kids I am completely uncomfortable with. So I go about my day, just a little more awkward than usual. Home room time--the only class we have together--and she goes to sit with me, although she constantly drifts to G and back. The two of them are now doing what we used to do together. They shared food and sugar, jokes, talked about random stuff--all at HIS table. I could have moved. That's why this is silly. But, I don't like change, and again with the kids I'm not comfortable with at other tables. So my only friend in home room goes to sit with her new boyfriend and chats it up, leaving me the single pringle alone at our table like a loser loner. I have no "clique" or "squad" or whatever. I don't know which "stereotype" I fit into, and thus who to socialize with. I DO NOT KNOW. Friends are hard to come by, and she was one of the only ones I actually have at school. Sure, I know a bunch of names and faces, but they aren't my friends. They don't talk to me unless I initiate contact, and I really don't do that well. After home room, my friend and I would normally go to our lockers together, since mine is directly under hers, but G comes with, and next thing I know I'm trying to awkwardly change books from my locker ((the one they're standing in front of)) while the two of them stare into each other's eyes in that lovey dovey drama stuff that makes me gag. She parts with our usual "be safe" but it felt distracted, and she didn't wait for my response like usual. This is dumb, I say, but the stress just kinda mounts from there. She planned to spend all after school with G, which used to be our time, and I know he's good for her and it's nothing major and I'm just overreacting but it hurts and it feels like he's taking her away from me and I just kind of ran away from her after school and got home as quickly as I could and now I'm crying and they're all I can think about and I don't know why. Why? This is so silly and pointless and completely blown out of proportion, but I feel alone again. Didn't help that my other friend wasn't here today. My two friends, and the one who needed relationship support found a new boyfriend and now I have to share her and the one who just wants someone to talk at isn't even here to talk at me like usual. I feel so alone at school now, and I don't like it but I'm too scared to go make new friends because LAST time I did that I found a poisonous leech and that's still and awkward relationship and everyone hurts and I'm crying again. What the heck. Oh, and last weekend I went on an event trip and met an old friend. That one saw me spinning a penny between my fingers and asked why. It's a thing I've started doing ((It didn't work today)) and it keeps me focused when I feel like things aren't going well and I start getting stressed, and then I described what happens when my mom says I have a break down ((The random crying and typically I freeze up)) and the old friend said it sounded like an anxiety or panic attack and I meant to ask my friend at school today if it was actually that, but she was busy with G all day and I feel really awkward breaking her happy bubble to ask about anxiety and panic attacks and stuff she used to go through so I didn't and now I'm wondering if I should have, but I'm thinking it's okay again and nothing's really working today, so I'm going to go back and hide now thank you.


    Edit: 12/12/2016
    I just turned in perhapse the worst paper I have ever written, and you know what? I don't care! It's dumb, and so are all the other projects school's piling on. I'm crumbling under the pressure. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm haveing regular attacks and melt-downs and seizing up so that I can't think enough and my teachers are probably going to assign yet more papers over winter break HOW CAN THIS BE OKAY? HOW IS IT ALRIGHT TO ASSIGN PAPERS FOR CLASSES NOT RELATED IN THE LEAST TO WRITING? It makes no sense! Nothing makes sense anymore. classes are getting harder and harder, and I'm finding it harder to keep up, and all mom says is to tell my teachers, but they're always busy, and when I do ask them their responses make as much sense as the lesson. Case in point: Chemistry teacher litterally explained the same thing to me three or four times the same way when I didn't get it the first time. Spanish is not making sense as we take random notes on documentaries, and reading the novel is supposed to be doing something, but I never got the memo what that was, so I'm just wading through that in uncertainty. English is asking for papers and reports and presentations at least once a week if not more and my brain is getting tired from trying to think of all those original things to write about and I can't even spare time any more to think about my LEGENDARY fan fic I was planning on writing, and even the urge to read about the people and stuff of Howl's world has dimmed as Chorus stresses how everything MUST BE PERFECT for the concert this week, not to mention the report I was supposed to do. Can't forget the presentation on a litterally dead subject for economics. Like WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT COMECON FOR TEN MINUTES FOR? anf I can't even put together any of the four slideshow presentations that are supposedly due tomorrow, and I'm starting to freak out and the pressure is getting to me harder and harder and I don't know how to stop it because everyone thinks I'm doing fine except me and that's not what I wanted and I feel so lonely and like my world is crumbling everywhere and I got in a car accident the other day and it was terrifying in almost the same way and I'm wondering how I can live with this stress for another six months or however many is left of scholl because next semester I get to do this class on why people think the way they do and I already got that answer thank you economics I apparently want to increase my utility, so by writing this rant I somehow increase utility to the point that writing this is more beneficial than harmful. Thank you so much for that. I can't wait to see how truly mechanic everything looks for the rest of the year. How Can This Be Normal Now? This shouldn't be normal. I should be a high school student working toward a good college. But what is that anyway? High school is supposed to prepare for college. Oh wait. That was for real life. Nothing is working like everyone says it should and I kinda just feel like a clock who lost a special cog or something and can't work right. Time keeps moving by, but I can't keep track of it and things keep piling up and stress keeps building and I don't know if I can keep doing this any more. It physically hurts to do this right now. My eyes hurt looking, whether it's at the keyboard, my screen , or the backs of my own eyelids. My head hurts from trying to think so much so fast past the barrier that is my frightened self. My teeth hurt from grinding them in stress. My knees hurt from curling up more than is healthy for long periods of time. My chest hurts trying to breath and my ears hate the sound of my own breath. Why is this happening to me? Did I do something for this? I feel more alone than ever, and I can't figure out why. My friend feels closer than ever. My sister recently came back from college. WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME?!i want to sleep and sleep and just let everything blow over. but it won't and i know that so why do i even try it makes no sense and I'm broken. When did writing turn into a chore instead of something I enjoyed? Can someone remove the thing making my chest heavier than lead? Can someone open my throat and make it easier to breath once more? Can someone please just make me stop hurting all over and let me live in peace. please

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Thu Apr 20, 2017 10:14 am

    Aight. Imma come out and say it: I'm not ok. School is a wreck, and classes are stressful. One of my teachers is testing me on simething he never actually taught, and now I'm stressing over that and avoiding it and all things school when I get home, even if it doesn't relate to that particular class. Everyone's like "have you tried talking to him" and I know they're just trying to help, but it feels like an it guy telling me to "turn it off and turn it back on again" without really dealing with the problem. I can't understand what he tells me and I don't understand the explanation he gives most of the time which makes me feel like some kind of dumb clod and doesn't help self esteem any. After all that the people i told suggested talking to someone else about it, but its hard enough to ask a sinple question in class so how can i approachc a counselor or what have you about a teacher I can't understand. Its like we speak different languages and he isn't helping anything. He tells us that the pace after spring break is going to pick up quickly and i was wondering how fast we could really go. someone once told me to learn like a tree and grow in stages with solidifying in between but at the moment it feela like trying to catch pudding on my jands which is not working. "If you miss a test take the zero. We don't have time to make it up" that sounds wonderful but how in the world can you expect us to learn so quickly it makes no sense and I don't know if i can even talk with the counselor because he will have forgotten that i teied to ask hom questions towards the beginning but as the pace increased and i felt like i was fallibg behind i stopped asking because it made no sense anywau and i dont know how to approach thos anymore and at the moment im just hoping that he doesn't teach physics next year so i can avoid this fiasco in thw future
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    wolfHhowling

    Zodiac : Capricorn Chinese zodiac : Snake
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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  wolfHhowling on Tue Apr 25, 2017 9:54 pm

    Sweet heart deep breath, is their a book? There are all ways books, Unless he said " this part here isn't in the book" its in the book.

    Just pick up the book and read it, and unlike him, you can re re re re read area's your not sure on. The book tends to be a bit more clear as well.

    Check out books from the library, basicallly start self teaching, take a deep breath, see if you can purchase a recorder, or can bring in a tablet, you can legit down load a recording ap it will record the entire lecture, nine times out of ten, its not that he's speaking a diffrent lingo he's just talking to fast.

    I know your taking notes, but see if you can't ask for a friends notes, and see if your not missing information.

    BUt your best bet, if there is a book, all the material is normally covered in the book, if its not, you can ask a friend a fellow class mate, to explain to you what went on in the lecture and ware it devated from the book.


    Basically start connecting with your class mates, see if their isn't a studdy group, see if there isn't something like a book, a recorder, something.

    Now you might not like this question but are you in advanced Physics, Physics condensed corse.... inc... Because if you are, that is probably the issue. Its not shameful or anything to talk to the campus counsler about rescedualing you with a diffrent or allternative to the Physics class your taking.



    _____________________________________________


    just subtract an hour for dark soul XD

    and now you know


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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

    Post  Guest on Sat May 06, 2017 2:41 pm

    Thanks, Howl. I asked someone, and they managed to help explain it in a way I understood. I am in Honors Chemistry, but there's less than 35 days left in school, so I can't get the class changed. My school decided the first three days were the deadline for getting a class changed, and it's only recently that this has been happening anyway. The rest of my honors level classes are fine, some even feel too slow. I'm inclined to think it's his teaching style, but I will keep that in mind when classes start up again.

    As for books, my school and public library don't have books on what we were talking about, hough I'm trying to muddle my way through the textbook we aren't really following at all. Not sure recording would work, as he just hands out worksheets and gives answers, but thank you for your suggestions. >^.^<

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    Re: AntiBucket Moody Corner

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